There are many types of Grief that you may experience in your life: anticipatory grief, distorted grief, exaggerated grief, masked grief... [source]

This post isn't about that.

On the 14th September 2018 my Grandad died. He had been ill all summer, and that week he just took a downwards turn. In the days that followed I witnessed a few of the ways people express their grief, and I feel like it is understanding these expressions of loss that is important. For if you don't understand how the people around you experience loss, how can you fully empathise, understand and support them? Indeed, you may even mistake their expression of grief as nonchalance. Of course this is not a scientific study, but simply observations of those around me in the past few weeks and in the past, but I thought it was worth writing about nonetheless.

The Tearful

The most obvious form of grief, this is the type of grief we expect to see in others when we hear that they have experienced loss. It is 'easier' to empathise with them and understand them because their grief is so visual. This can last weeks or years, but it is important to not express exasperation should this last a long time or simple appear a while after the loss occurred - everyone reacts differently, and sometimes it takes a while for the event to fully hit them. In either case, patience is a virtue.

The Do-er

This seems to be a common trait in my family. As soon as my Grandad died, it was all hands on deck to sort out finances; help my Grandma adjust to her new life living alone for the first time; and work out the funeral. Whilst it may seem like the person has skipped grieving, they may become tearful later on, whether around others or alone, so it's important to make sure that they know that you are there for them when it finally hits and they have nothing left to distract them.

The 'Non-Carer'

To be honest, it is this hidden griever that inspired me to write this post. This person will act as if nothing has happened. Whether it hasn't sunk in yet, they don't want to think about it or they just want things to go back to normal, whilst they might act nonchalant about the whole thing, they are likely mourning, or trying to convince themselves to be a more outward mourner, just struggling to do so. Make sure that this person knows it's ok to mourn openly if they want, but equally don't be so quick to judge that they simply do not care - this is unlikely to be the case, they just don't want to display it with the world.


I was unsure about publishing this post. For one, it felt like I was just asking for sympathy and attention by talking about my Grandad, and the whole post feels a little matter of fact. But I suppose I am a bit of a 'Non-Carer' griever. I remember the day after his death I didn't want to talk about it after a couple of hours, and whilst I cried that night, most of the day I wished for things to just go back to how they were, and although I still feel like I should be more emotive than I am and feel awful for how I don't feel like grieving when I should be, the truth is that that is how I process things (or don't...). I've always felt a disconnect from bereavement, as if they don't sink in, and put pressure on myself to make sure I do cry at the right time, because I feel I should, sometimes more than because I actually want to. I almost grieve beforehand, when it's known they might die, and when it's a shock I resist it to look strong at the time and then never let it out or sink in. But know that you don't have to cry to grieve, everyone grieves in their own way.

So I suppose the point of this piece has been found (at 1:01am...): to comfort those that worry they aren't mourning correctly, and help you to be more sympathetic to each type of mourner. Whether their grief is visible or not, everyone needs a little comfort in times like these...

If you are going through loss at the moment, know that in time it will get easier, and that there is always someone to talk things through with if you need to. But more importantly, that just because you don't mourn how you feel you should, doesn't mean you should change (though of course do seek help if you feel you need it to get through this tough period).


Love,

June xx